I still cry when I’m all alone. I make sure no ones watching often during the late hours of the night. I can’t let anyone know that I’m still going through it. Time is supposed to heal all wounds and it’s happened so long ago. However yes the sharp sting is gone but it’s somehow been replaced by the empty, heavy, hole in my chest. I’ve learned to function within my new “normal” as to make sure not to make others feel uncomfortable. Everyone will ask if you’re ok but no one knows what to say if you were to answer, “no.”
Ive found one cannot just cut off a single emotion, it’s an all or nothing type deal. So now I come off distant, distracted or uninterested...and for now I’m ok with that. Sometimes I choose not to acknowledge the situation at all, it’s easer not to remember but it doesn’t mean I’m trying to forget. I have people and things I have to keep moving on for but there are times I need it all to just stop and be still.
There are days I let myself get in my feelings. It’s a weird relationship, almost like I’m trying to figure out the appropriate reaction to familiar situations all over again. Did I used to laugh in this situation before? Was I supposed to show sadness in that moment? Would I have smiled at that? Was that important enough for me to get upset over in a time before? So yes, I still cry when I’m alone and no I don’t always know why but I do and I just let it happen.
