I Still Cry

I still cry when I’m all alone. I make sure  no ones watching often during the late hours of the night. I can’t let anyone know that I’m still going through it. Time is supposed to heal all wounds and it’s happened so long ago. However yes the sharp sting is gone but it’s somehow been replaced by the empty, heavy, hole in my chest. I’ve learned to function within my new “normal” as to make sure not to make others feel uncomfortable. Everyone will ask if you’re ok but no one knows what to say if you were to answer, “no.” 

Ive found one cannot just cut off a single emotion, it’s an all or nothing type deal. So now I come off distant, distracted or uninterested...and for now I’m ok with that. Sometimes I choose not to acknowledge the situation at all, it’s easer not to remember but it doesn’t mean I’m trying to forget. I have people and things I have to keep moving on for but there are times I need it all to just stop and be still. 

There are days I let myself get in my feelings. It’s a weird relationship, almost like I’m trying to figure out the appropriate reaction to familiar situations all over again. Did I used to laugh in this situation before? Was I supposed to show sadness in that moment? Would I have smiled at that? Was that important enough for me to get upset over in a time before? So yes, I still cry when I’m alone and no I don’t always know why but I do and I just let it happen. 

Streetlight Alley Stroll

It's a warm summer night about 12:30AM the streets lit by the yellow glow of the street lights. A group of teens (16 - 18 years) walk through the alleys, 7-11 big gulps in hand. Someone is willing to have dead arms carrying the radio providing the background music as they walk. Most often then not it's reggae playing interjected occasionally by a rap song someone had to hear. No set destination, no plans just being with each other is enough tonight. 

Most nights there is something going down a house party, an invitation to meet at the point/the dead end, or some club was popping which usually meant some were missing. This night though everyone is there. Yes there were some who had to sneak out, some who had no curfew, others who had a final they should have been studying for, while others were enjoying their freedom one last time.  

These streets and alleys they walked were the ones not featured in any home and garden magazine or news article unless you counted the 9 o'clock news for a drive by or other drug related clip. To these kids however it is home, the same streets they learned to ride bikes on, walked to school on, played hide and seek on, the streets they grew up on. 

Conversation turns to nights past. Stories of past encounters with the wrong people and the trouble that came with it. Encounters with the right person and the troubled that came with that. Stories of those who were no longer here and those who they wished were not here anymore. 

Eventually the street lights start going out replaced by the glow of the impending sunrise. The group starts to dwindle as the group moves from one of their homes to the next leaving each stop one man down. There was no drama tonight no fights, no talk of shootings, no one on the run needed to hide that night. Any night like that was a good night. 

Now years later those who walked in the glow of the streetlights are grown. Some home owners, others college graduates, some with kids, others married. There are some doing time, some hustling hard to make it, while others have gone on to a better place. Not many live on those streets anymore, but if asked each has fond memories of their streetlight alley strolls. 

Our Urban Villages

We as Polynesians have a village mindset, which is ingrained within us. In the islands we all trace our identity back to what village we hale from. Each member is responsible for the other. Each village takes pride in its members  accomplishments, mourns with them when needed, and protects when called for. That being said in the villages back home the elders teach the younger ones how to live and represent properly. 

So this may explain why we are so quick to identify with what city/state we now reside in here in the states. We will naturally cling to what is comfortable and familiar (it's human nature) and we will adapt our mentality to situations we are presented with. Before anyone tries to say anything crazy, I in no way am trying to say we are mindless followers who should not be responsible for our own personal behavior! All I'm trying to address is the fact that it's been mentioned many times that there are a large number of gangs and "hood" bangin in Utah. I don't think that being proud of where we come from will ever go away but maybe we can teach our kids better then us, edify your hood instead of tearing down someone elses.

It is the work we do within our own neighborhoods that will matter. We can't leave it to outside factors to help remedy our issues, they don't understand. As shown in recent events solidarity shown between hoods in the last couple months has had so much more of an impact than all the gang prevention meetings they've ever held. How can anyone who hasn't lived it know how to fix it???  The answers we all seek lie within our own communities and nowhere else and I think that's is what scares the powers that be the most... If the answers are not provided by them how can they control the situation? If the ones being made to feel less than realize they don't have to feel that way anymore than what?  

We are not a perfect people but we are so much stronger than our physical strength!!! 

Let me just clear something up I am not a scholar I do not know the proper terms and I am still trying to finish a degree, but yet I write. I grew up in these same neighborhoods and saw and felt the same things many are still going through. The biggest motivation for me are my kids, if not for them then for what?!? Again these are just my opinions correct me or Lmk what you feel...trust me you ain't hurting no ones feelings hahaha

#8Shots

Barstow, CA               Defendant: Jose Luis Fontenot

-fought with officers attempted to leave court room

Charges: Double Murder            TAZED
-----------------------------------------------------

Tulsa, OK               Defendant: Ernest Padillow

-attacked defense attorney (punched in the face and jumped on top of him)

Charges: rape of a child under 14              TAZED
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Louisville, KY       Defendant: Percy Phillips

-lunged at prosecutor, throwing table in his direction

Charges: retaliation against a witness       TAZED
------------------------------------------------------

Chicago, IL          Defendant: Keevan Fullwiley

-charged deputy, punched him in the face

Charges: Convicted of Gun crimes          TACKLED and TAZED
-------------------------------------------------------

New York, NY   Defendant: Wadih el-Hage

-charged judge (got within 10ft)

Charges: Terrorist acts against the United States connected to Bin Laden        TACKLED
--------------------------------------------------------

Salt Lake City, UT          Defendant: Siale Angilau

-lunged towards witness in a "aggressive, threatening manner"

Charges: Racketeering and robbery                                                #8SHOTS




"If you are neutral in situation of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality." 
- Desmond Tutu


I did not want to voice my opinion on the events of last Monday (04/21/2014) out of respect to allow his family and friends to celebrate his life and lay him to rest. Each one of those cases listed above are real incidents that were reported by the media. I have not had the chance to find the exact docket numbers for each of the other cases but each is taken word for word from the media reports from their respective city media. So thanks to bias media coverage in Utah hundreds if not thousands have read the "facts" of the shooting that took place last Monday, so why not lay facts out exactly how readers/watchers of news outlets are getting them.


 Initially I did not want to speak on the events at all for many reasons some being that I only met him once or twice many years ago, another the fact that I am Samoan and its my husband who knows this young mans family and is from the same neighborhood. I then realized by thinking like that I am becoming part of the problem and not the answer...and that is what we desperately need right now is ANSWERS. Why was he shot 8 times? Why was he being tried twice for the same crime? Why RICO? Could we as the older generation have been a better example?

Here is what I do know if we keep doing the same things we can expect the same results. I have a husband, brothers, cousins and now sons I have to worry about. Things are not okay here in Utah, and no one can tell me any different. While our community was coming together to rally against hate and bring peace the media and some local authorities put out  safety warnings. Because of those same warnings they have caused some male family members to be approached and asked, "are you tongan...are you a tongan crip memeber?" by police while shopping. Really so now if your a brown, male, curly hair and look Polynesian you have to worry about being profiled as a gang member. Please do not fool yourself into thinking just because your Samoan, Hawaiian, Fijian whatever your safe because last I checked we as polys have a hard time telling each other apart so why would they be able too?

I tried to sit on the sidelines and just do the good things work, school, raise my kids and be a good wife. When my grandfather left back to Samoa last time he gave me a blessing that included the words, "you have been blessed with a mouth/voice; use it to speak for whats right and for truth." Both my husband and I grew up in the neighborhoods they like to talk about in the media and I've realized if we want our communities represented and protected we cant wait for others to do it, we have to speak up.